Archives
of
Humour
(Humor)

 Contents [Visit Smile :-) Awhile in Findians Briefings for more humour]

1. Epitaphs
2. Lazy Fisherman
3. Rags to Rags
4. Identity of the Devil
5. Turning in their graves?
6. Story of Four People
7. Not so funny for Jurgen
8. Best Country
9. Meaning of Spicy Humour
10. Left and Right
11. Height of Stinginess
12. Simplified EU English
13. Poof Reading

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1. Epitaphs
   Courtesy "Humour in (and as) Medicine" by Dr. K. P. Misra, India, 1992.
   
   Epitaph on a politician's grave:
   
   "Here lies the politician - as usual."
   
   Epitaph on a dentist's grave:
   
   "This is the last cavity he filled."

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3. Lazy Fisherman
   
   A Dane, a Finn, a Norwegian and a Swede, all Chairmen of multinational Scandinavian companies, were having a morning stroll on the beach at Kovalam, near Trivandrum, Kerala, India. They were enjoying a free morning from the Business Strategy seminar being held in the 5-star luxury hotel.
   
   As they walked along they came across a fisherman lazing on the warm sand between two large fishes. He smiled broadly and greeted them in perfect English.
   
   Surprised to meet a seemingly poor fisherman speaking good English, they stopped to chat with him. They asked him what he was doing on the beach. He said he was waiting for customers to come to the beach in a couple of hours to buy his fishes, for which he would get $5 profit.
   
   The Swede, a little surprised at this intelligent man wasting his time lying on the beach, asked him why he did not go out and catch more fish before the customers arrived. The fisherman queried him as to what he would do with more fish.
   
   The Finn said that he would get more money if he sold more fish. The fisherman appeared confused and asked what he would do with more money.
   
   The Dane explained that he could buy a small boat, go out to sea and catch more fish. The confusion of the fisherman appeared to grow. He asked what he would do with even more fish. The Norwegian quipped that he would get even more money and possibly be able to buy a good Norwegian trawler to catch more fish.
   
   The fisherman was astounded - he asked them what he would do with even more fish.
   
   The Swede was now impatient. He told the fisherman that he could fish in international waters and catch more fish and make more money. In fact, he could become a rich man.
   
   The fisherman was quite taken aback. He asked them what he would do with all the money he got.
   
   The Finn was quick to tell him that he could form a multinational company, get others to do his work while he relaxed on the beach, enjoying the sun and the sand.
   
   The fisherman looked at them incredulously. He asked them a simple question - "What am I doing here just now?"
   
   This joke (a bit embellished here for our Scandinavian readers) was told by a leading Indian cardiologist, Dr. K. P. Misra, at a gathering in Madras where he was talking on the Art of Living.

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5. Rags to Rags
   
   Hanging on our living room wall is a Royal Arden ceramic plate which Annikki picked up from a shop in England. We think the message is very enlightening:
   
   
   

   Rags make Paper Paper makes Money Money makes Banks Banks make Loans Loans make Beggars Beggars make Rags

   
   

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6. Identity of the Devil
   This gist of this item was picked up from a Finnish magazine, Pirkka - we thought you may enjoy it as much as we did.
   
   Anil and Tuomas came out of their religous education class having been told all about the horrible works of the Devil. As they mused on this and the possible identity of this creature, thoughtful Tuomas had an opinion. As his parents had told him the story about the stork when his baby sister was born and they kept telling him about Joulupukki (Father Christmas) every December, - surely this must be the same story and the Devil was surely only his "dad"!!

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8. Turning in their graves?
   This letter was seen in a newsgroup at the time of the destruction of the Babri Mosque in India by Hindu fundamentalists - (copyright acknowledged to Mr. Babu Gopalakrishnan).
   
   Article 64040 in soc.culture.indian:
   Subject: Re: Babri damaged; India for all? Yeah Right!! Glad am Pakistani!!!
   Date: 7 Dec 1992 15:19:43 GMT
   
   In an article (deleted) writes:
   {stuff not worth reading deleted}
   $ Jinnah must be having the last laugh, Gandhi, Nehru, etc must be turning in their graves.
   
   
   Wrong! They were cremated.
   
   Babu Gopalakrishnan
   

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10. Story of Four People
    
    This sign was seen hanging on the wall of the clinic of a doctor in the heart of the Tiger Sanctuary of India, Kanha National Park.
    
    This is the story about four people named
    Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
    There was an important job to be done.
    Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
    Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.
    Somebody got angry as it was a job for Everybody.
    Everybody thought that Anybody could do it,
    but Nobody realised that Everybody would not do it.
    It ended that Everybody blamed Somebody,
    when actually Nobody accused Anybody.

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12. Not so funny for Jurgen
    (Adapted from the 31st March 1996 issue of THE WEEK - A Manorama Publication)
    
    A German, Jurgen Michel, had a dream that he should pay Mother Teresa a visit. Travelling to India, he arrived at Morga Railway Station, near Calcutta. He was greeted by the deafening sounds of fireworks being exploded to celebrate the victory of India over Pakistan in the World Cup cricket competition.
    
    Scared to death by this thunderous sound, Jurgen ran for his life, only to attract the attention of the passers-by, some of whom thought he was one of the accused of the Purulia arms case, where arms had been air-dropped in an Indian village by some foreigners. They ran after Jurgen to apprehend him. Jurgen sprinted away followed by a herd till he found a lake to jump into!
    
    The mob pulled him out and attacked him till, fortunately, the police arrived and rescued a badly beaten Jurgen.
    
    Jurgen did meet Mother Teresa but only after his Calcutta nightmare!
    
    Remember the saying
    
    "They all look alike"
    
    It works both ways!

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14. Best Country
    
    President Bill Clinton, President Boris Yeltsin and Prime Minister Narasimha Rao were to meet God and allowed to ask one common question. They decided to ask God how long it would be before their respective countries became the greatest and best in the world.
    
    When President Clinton asked the question, God thought for a moment and told him it would take about 50 years. President Clinton left the room crying that he would not be able to live to see that day.
    
    To President Yeltsin, God said that it would take 100 years and Yeltsin also left the room crying because he would not be able to see that day.
    
    When Prime Minister Narasimha Rao asked God the same question, there was a stony silence for a moment, and then God started crying and left the room as he also would not...!

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16. Meaning of Spicy Humour
    
    "Life without humour is not only boring and monotonous but harmful for health."
    
    So wrote Dr. K. P. Mishra, a renowned cardiologist and brilliant teacher in the medical field (and from whom the following joke originates). We have to learn to laugh, especially at ourselves. I am an Indian, so a joke about India is not because I am anti-Indian. So also Annikki is a Finn, so a joke about Finland does not make her anti-Finnish. Since Raghu, who took offence about our joke last week about India, is from the State of Andhra Pradesh in India, I thought I would especially give him a joke about his state! Laugh, Raghu, laugh.
    
    Andhra Pradesh is reputed to serve the hottest (spiciest) food of all in India. It is claimed that Andhrites have chilli hot dishes even for sweet! Considering the last two recipes we had in Findians Briefings we thought it appropriate to bring you a spicy joke from this wonderful state which houses two of the greatest sculptures in the world - The Veiled Rachel (marble) and The Laughing Duke (wood).
    
    I took a Finnish friend to the capital, Hyderabad. We went to a good Andhra restaurant. It served great Andhra food. My macho colleague insisted on having the same food that I ordered , and especially on using a condiment kept on the table, like a sauce, and which is called "gunpowder". This is added to food by people who do not think the food is spiced enough! My friend added a bit of this to his food. A few minutes later tears started streaming down his face. I asked the waiter to help him. He said to my friend "Please take some ice cold kulfi (traditional ice cream) and you will be all right." The Finn had some kulfi and was quietened.
    
    We went back to the hotel. His room was across the corridor from mine. At about 3 in the morning I heard him shouting to me at the top of his voice. He was clamouring and demanding that he wanted kulfi there and then. I had a job trying to explain to him that there was no kulfi suppository - only oral preparations were available in the market.
    
    Finnish macho friends - take care.

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18. Left and Right
    
    With the elections now over in India this joke which origiates from Sweden in the early-seventies is most relevant to the BJP, the Congress and the Third Front (an alliance of various groups). The joke relates to the decision to change over the driving of vehicles from the left hand side of the road to the right hand side in Sweden.
    
    The committee that was making the decision said that they had decided to do this progressively. In the first year trucks and heavy vehicles would be required to shift to driving on the right hand side. The following year it would be buses and light vehicles that would shift over to follow this rule!
    
    Is that how the political parties plan to take charge of India? Well, they can learn from the Finns who are masters at this game. They presently have a consensus government of left and right parties - but they seem to agree and are united on one subject - destroy the poor!
    
    Beats me as what were their policies in their manifestos.

     

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19. Simplified EU English
    
    (Ed: Copyright is acknowledged - whomsoever may claim it. I am afraid the source of this unknown to us - but it may be a forebearer of what is to come if the Brits decide to stay within the Community.)
    
    
    Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EU, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study on ways of improving efficiency in communications.
    
    European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; e.g.: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a staff committee at top level from the participating nations.
    
    In the first year the committee could suggest using "s" instead of the soft "c".
    
    Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy.
    
    Then the hard "c" could be replaced by "k" sinse both letters are pronounsed alike.
    
    Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
    
    There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f".
    
    This would make words like "fotograf" twenty persent shorter in print.
    
    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
    
    Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
    
    We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e's" in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend.
    
    By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing "th" by "z". Perhaps zen ze funktion of "w" kould be taken on by "v", vitsh is, after al, half a "w". Shortly after zis, ze unesesary "o" kould be dropd from words kontaining "ou". Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
    
    Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
    
    Ze drems of the guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

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    Height of Stinginess
    
21. The height of stinginess is to always laugh at the expense of other people.
    
    

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22. Poof Reading
    
    This message was seen in the Technical Writers List - (rather obvious why):
    
    "Subject: Seek help for poof reading"

     

    The reply was equally illuminating:

    
    "If you want to educate yourself, rather than farm out the work, there is a book called "Handbood for Proofreading" by Laura Killen Anderson. It is a very thorough treatment of proofreading techniques for different types of documents. The publisher is NTC Business Books, and the ISBN is 0-8442-3265-3."

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    Ed: Maybe the advisor should have a gook lood at the boob! The good is book. Maybe both these individuals should take a look good (I am getting a bit confused here!) at our Scientific Editing service

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For further laughs please visit Smile :-) Awhile

 Your Editors
Annikki and Jacob
Oulu, Finland

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